The Greener Year Challenge: Rebel Against Consumerism (November)

With the average American exposed to 4,000-10,000 ads per day, it's no wonder that we are wired for consumerism. Buy this gadget. Watch this TV show. Eat this junk food. Skim this inflammatory news article. Get this car so you can take this vacation. If you don't consume, then you're a grinch, a bad parent, a bad American, a workaholic, or someone who is depriving yourself of "self-care" (for only $19.99 per month, plus shipping). These messages are far too easy to internalize, especially this time of the year.

Aside from the moral implications of outsourcing our happiness to material goods, our consumerism is one of the biggest reasons that the planet is getting into trouble:

1. Consumerism prioritizes a constant stream of new and cheaply-made goods. These are usually manufactured in an unethical way in countries with laxer pollution restrictions, and often break or wear out in a few months, ending up in the landfill. The energy use (not to mention the human rights violations) are serious.

2. It trains us to be dissatisfied, always reaching for the next thing rather than helping us appreciate and care for what we already have (such as the Earth).

3. It makes us believe that we should get what we want, when we want, regardless of seasonality, availability, or environmental cost.

4. It is based on the idea of infinite growth, which is simply unsustainable in a finite world. 

If we want to live within the bounds of the planet we've been given, we need to dial back our buying in a powerful way. While we are consumers by nature— we all gotta eat, after all— we should also be creators. Here are some ways to question the consumerism in your life.

BEGINNER: 

Wild sunflowers we saw on a walk one day

Buy less stuff. This is really one of the most important things you can do for the planet— ignore anyone who tells you that we can buy our way out of this crisis. You can start by never purchasing anything on impulse, and by carefully considering whether the problem an item is intended to fix can be solved in a different way. (Many items are unnecessary in the first place, or can be borrowed, made, swapped, or thrifted.)

Consciously appreciate what you already own. Contentment is both a skill and a habit, and it must be exercised in order for it to stick. I find it helpful to make a list of things I enjoy that don't require buying anything new: taking a bath, hiking through the woods, reading a book, crocheting, visiting the library, drawing, foraging, building something out of found materials, cooking something from the garden or the pantry… Take a good hard look at all the things that bring you happiness that have little to do with what you buy. Focus on including them more in your life, and come back to them when you think you need to buy something to make you happy.

Prioritize creation over consumption. Everyone is capable of making something— drawings, meals, poems, flower arrangements, knitted scarves, beautiful photos, interior decor, music. Creating things is a rebellion against the culture that says everything must be monetized and gulped down.

Rethink what you consume. Consumption isn't bad in and of itself, but that all consumption has to be at the cost of environmental destruction is another lie of our modern culture. Consume library books, long walks, free knowledge, interesting videos, foraged and garden foods, swapped goods with friends, laughter, and conversation. 

INTERMEDIATE:

Celebrate Buy Nothing Day. This holiday takes place on and in direct rebellion to Black Friday, and can be celebrated by doing anything that's not shopping— hiking, eating cake in your bathtub at home, doing anti-consumerism performance art in a mall… the sky's the limit. Learn more about it here. 

Do a spending freeze. Fasting can be an effective way to look more closely at your consuming habits. Set an amount of time— a week, a month, a season— and don't buy anything but basic food and consumables (soap, toothpaste, gas for the car, etc.) during that time. Write down anything you want to purchase, but don't buy it. What does this list tell you about your priorities? How many of the things could you put off buying, or obtain in some other, more creative way? What do your consumption habits tell you about your impact on the planet?

Avoid advertisements. See my post "How to Combat Brain-Hacking" for specific tips. 

Repair and repurpose goods you already own. Do you know how to mend a tear, do minor repair on an appliance, sew a button, polish wood, fix a leaky faucet, or replace a zipper? Learning these skills helps you extend the life of your belongings, keeping them out of the landfill. 

Foraging is a wonderful skill to learn

Make something instead of buying it. Do you find yourself often buying ceramic figurines, maxi skirts, scented candles, or fancy cheeses? What if you tried making them instead? Think about something you regularly consume and commit to trying your hand at it yourself. You'll have a much easier time knowing its environmental impact when you're the one making it.

ADVANCED: 

Invite your friends to do a spending freeze with you. Solidarity can be fun! See if anyone else wants to tackle the problem of the planet by defiantly not buying stuff for a while, and use social media or other channels of conversation to spread the word.

Create opportunities in your community for people to share. It's your job to show that life is better when everything doesn't come with a price tag. Encourage people to visit the library with you. Give people opportunities to learn your knowledge and skills, and learn from others. Set up a tool or toy library, organize a swap meet, or ask neighbors with fruit trees if you can pick apples in exchange for making them applesauce. The more accessible we make these alternative options, the more people will take them, and we can lighten the burden on the earth.

Systematically develop a skillset that will start to free you from consumerism. Which skills, if learned, will help you avoid buying new things and further stressing the planet? If you learn how to alter and tailor garments, you'll never need to buy a brand-new dress again. If you learn candle- or soap-making you'll have a lifetime supply of gifts for your friends. If you learn how to entertain yourself, no one can sell you expensive distractions. Commit to figuring out the skills that will help you live more lightly on the planet, and tackle them one at a time.

Which of these challenges would you like to take on this month? What would you add to the list?

~~~

Previous posts in this series: 

Getting Started

Celebrate Biodiversity (April)

Optimize Energy (May)

Eat Your Leftovers (June)

Curb Your Trash (July)

Find Earth-Friendly Food (August)

Move Beyond Cars (September)

Green Your Home (October)

Telemarketers and the Golden Rule

In the past week, I’ve had a few conversations on separate occasions where the talk turned to an annoyance we all know well: a pushy seller, which can be anyone from a telemarketer to the Mormon on your doorstep. 

In these conversations, my friends and acquaintances naturally turned to telling stories about their experiences. I have my favorite, that I pull out of mothballs whenever I can: how, after trying to be polite to a person petitioning for Green Peace, I got frustrated and just yelled, “I hate all polar bears! Kill the whales!” before storming off. I thought it was a funny story. 

Other people in the group have more impressive stories. Freaking out the Jehovah’s Witnesses by talking about Satan. Making the telemarketer think she had just caused a marital dispute. Fabricating a heartbreaking story to get the bill collectors off your back. In each of these conversations, I’ve listened with a polite desire to laugh, but end up grimacing instead. I said that, with my phone phobia, getting chewed out on the phone is one of the worst things I can imagine happening to me. I snapped at some people to be nice to Mormon missionaries, since they are sacrificing a huge amount of time and money for their conviction. 

My response kills the mood, or at least wounds it. People become defensive, making excuses. “They called me, like, six times in one day.” “They shouldn’t be harassing people in front of stores anyway.” And on they go. I always feel uncomfortable, and I’m relieved when the conversation turns to other things.

A couple days ago, I was feeling upset about the common thread in these stories: the meanness. Pushy people are human beings, trying to feed their family, or trying to speak what they believe is the truth, or doing a job that they probably hate in order to meet the bills. They are all human, created in the image of God.

Thinking about it, I realized I wasn’t exempt: although I was being completely facetious with the Green Peace people, I still reacted in a mean way. I didn’t show them the love of Christ, not by a long shot. If I could find my way back to Coronado Island and apologize to them, I would.

Every once in a while— heck, what am I saying— all the time, we should be aware that people are people. That store clerk who won’t return your item is being terse because she’s worried that her daughter is getting bullied at school. The telemarketer is working a job he hates because he just lost a well-paying job and is scrambling to make ends meet. The Mormon on your doorstep is a young person far from home, dying to get a friendly response from at least one person today. 

I’m not saying we shouldn’t be firm. Saying, “No, thank you, I’m not interested,” and hanging up or walking on is often kinder than dragging yourself through a long presentation and losing your patience. I’m just saying that we should remember what our reaction to our fellow human beings should be. Take a moment. See that person as a person. Do unto others as you would have them do to you.

~~~

A few months ago, Zach and I were getting calls every day, sometimes twice a day, from our Internet service provider, Charter. They called from different numbers, sometimes local numbers, occasionally Portland numbers, often undisclosed numbers. If we didn’t pick up, they’d call about eight times a day and never left a message. Usually, Zach would answer, listen for about ten seconds, and then say politely, “Thank you, we’ll let you know if we’re interested. Goodbye,” and hang up. Sometimes he listened to the whole spiel and then politely declined the special offers and said goodbye.

On one such occasion, he listened to a Charter woman’s entire speech, responding politely and appropriately while still assuring them that we have no need of cable TV.

At the end of her speech, the woman finished in her pre-programmed-sounding voice, “Thank you very much sir, it has been a pleasure talking to you.”

“You’re welcome,” Zach said. “It’s been a pleasure talking to you, too.”

There was a pause. Then the woman laughed a little and said, in a tone quite more relaxed than her telemarketing voice, “You’re so sweet.”

I guarantee you she hung up with a smile.

~~~

Six Things to Remember About Monetary Wealth

1. There is no absolute standard for how wealthy is too wealthy.

2. A rich person who spends thousands of dollars on something seemingly extravagant is being more responsible with his money than someone who goes into debt to buy something unessential.

3. Everyone, no matter how rich or poor, buys extravagant things and calls them necessities. 

4. Spending less money than other people does not make you superior to them.

5. Other people’s money is their business, not yours.

6. From somebody else’s perspective, you are a stuck-up extravagant money-blowing wealthy person who should give more of their overblown salary to those who really need it. 

Judge not, lest ye be judged.

~~~

Facebook Ads Are Weird

At the age of 24, I solidly inhabit the Internet generation. Although I remember the days of dial-up, when I could read an entire act of Macbeth while waiting for the AOL homepage to load, everything about the Internet seems pretty normal to me now. Despite some yelling and screaming at my slow wi-fi connection, I get the general principle of how things work.

These aren't the offending shoes.
But they are most certainly not
 approved by hobbits or elves, either.

Except Facebook ads. Facebook ads continue to baffle me. And you know what? It’s not even really the ads in general. It’s just one that I saw. No matter how many times I try to forget it, it just keeps circling back in my head.

This ad showed a ridiculously high-heeled and uncomfortable-looking shoe. Its caption? “Elves and hobbit approved.”

Can we all just pause for a moment and marvel at how horrible this caption is? 

Not only does it make the editor in me scream and die, but… seriously? Who thought this would be a good idea? What makes them think that a girl who likes Lord of the Rings wants trendy shoes? Don’t they know that hobbits don’t even wear shoes?!

Ah, Facebook ads, you never cease to amuse me. Or make me want to tear my hair out. Either way, I’m kept entertained.

~~~

On Introverts and Extroverts

Around the time Zachary and I started dating, I began learning about introverts and extroverts. He is a major introvert, and I’m an extrovert, so there were some basic communication problems. I was stunned to realize that there are two basic types of people, who have a starting point that is so far apart, it’s hard to relate to the other. That was my first real introduction to the concepts of introversion and extroversion.

As the Jung-Myers-Briggs test becomes more popular, the public consciousness of these differences in basic personalities is becoming more widespread.  This is a good thing. It’s helpful to know whether you’re an introvert or an extrovert, because that helps you understand the way you relate to other people.

The biggest revelation for me was that introversion and extroversion had nothing to do with how shy you are. An extrovert can be painfully timid; an introvert can be ridiculously outgoing. The nature of your base personality is the way you relate to people. 

It’s simple to remember, the Internet tells me: introverts spend their energy when they’re around other people, whereas extroverts gain their energy from other people. We get images of introverts ducking into the corner of a party to carry on a one-on-one conversation, and extroverts yucking it up in the center of the room with seven people. 

Again, this kind of analysis is helpful, but it’s important to remember that people don’t fit into neat little categories. For instance, I’m an extrovert. This is clear by the fact that I mostly experience life as it happens to me instead of as it happens within me; I can sympathize with and instantly befriend practically anyone; and I prefer conversations with three or more people to one-on-one interaction. However, that doesn’t make me a social butterfly with boundless energy who knows no strangers.

I am painfully shy. I usually forget this fact because I generally inhabit my comfort zones (people I know, social situations that don’t require me to say anything, etc.), but it’s a fact. (Growing up as a homeschooler, I felt forced to be outgoing because everyone was just waiting for every homeschooler to prove the “undersocialized freak” stereotype.) I would rather take a vow of silence than call someone on the phone. If attending a party of people I don’t know well, I have to spend at least an hour getting myself mentally psyched. I often get nervous about talking too much and would rather have another person carry the bulk of the conversation. When I’m in a social situation that falls outside my comfort zone, I just want to hide in a corner by the punch bowl. One-on-one interaction is incredibly draining, even with people I love. And I greatly enjoy reading, journalling, and working through my thoughts in my writing.

Knowing whether you’re an introvert or an extrovert is very helpful. But when you’re figuring it out, remember that there are many shades of gray. Stereotypes are useful, but it’s important to remember that they’re still just stereotypes.

~~~

All Women Have Leg Hair (or, Reconsidering Conventions of Beauty)

(Men probably won’t have much interest in this post: it’s about female leg hair, which is an odd thing to blog about when half a person’s intended audience are male. So guys, do not feel obligated to read further. You gone now? Okay. That makes me feel a little less weird about posting this.)

On highway 70, I see a billboard for laser hair removal that shows a woman’s legs, girlishly skinny and smooth, with the tag-line, “Be Ideal.” This sums up a convention that almost every woman I know adheres to: smooth legs are sexy, and hairy legs are embarrassing and gross. However, all women have hairy legs (and armpits). It’s as natural as the hair on our heads. So why do we feel the need to shave ourselves in order to be attractive?

Like every girl I know, I started shaving my legs when I hit puberty. It was annoying at first and it took me weeks to get down the technique without cutting myself, but I was intent on ridding my limbs of the scraggly hair that grew afresh every day. I never questioned this compulsive action, because what self-respecting girl would go out in shorts with hairy legs? This wasn’t, and never has been, based on a fear of guys considering me unattractive— I just assumed people in general would think I was gross and masculine.

As a teen I wasn’t too concerned about my appearance, so I never stewed over the issue. I did, however, feel embarrassed when faced with the prospect of leaving the house with my stubbly legs in view. Whenever I wanted to wear a skirt, I felt obligated to give my legs a once-over. When I didn’t have time for that, I wore a longer skirt and kept my feet tucked under me, hoping that no one would see.

When I was 21, I left for my first farm volunteer trip in Washington state. On the first farm, I worked four hours a day with some hardcore hippies. These girls did not shave anything, and I was both shocked by the sight of how hairy women’s legs can get, and jealous of their self-confidence. On the second farm, I didn’t shower for two weeks straight, and so of course the thought of shaving never occurred to me. On one of my last evenings there, a new volunteer came to visit. I was sitting at the kitchen table, wearing shorts, and my legs were hairier than they had ever been in my life. And for a second, I felt honestly embarrassed to be meeting this new girl when my legs were so hairy. Then I laughed at myself. Here I was, greasy-haired, smelling like compost, callused and sunburned, and I was worried about my stupid leg hair? That was my first clue that I cared about the cultural conventions way too much.

Over the next couple years, I began loosening up. I shaved when I wanted to, and strolled out hairy-legged when I wanted to. I gained the confidence that I had envied in my hippie farm friends.

Do I still shave my legs? Yes, sometimes. I shaved them yesterday and I like that they feel smooth and shiny. Like a guy shaving his face, it’s a nice way to feel cleaner. But before that, I hadn’t shaved in months. I just didn’t feel the need to. I’m a woman, and I have hairy legs just like any other woman. As with anything, it’s important not to let the fleeting conventions of beauty make a decision for you.

~~~

The Ogle, the Stare, and the Once-Over

On a walk a few days ago, Zachary and I turned at the sound of a friendly honk from a passing car. A white dude with dreadlocks grinned at us and flashed the peace sign. A bit confused, we continued walking. Less than an hour later, a car drove by and a guy yelled, “Lay off the heroin!” Neither of us looked particularly “hippie” that day, so we decided to chalk up the references to Zach’s awesome hair, and the straw hat I was wearing. “There are worse things for people to yell,” I said.

That, coupled with this article that I read last week, made me think about the way strangers look at each other. As a 6’0” woman, I get looked at a lot, even though I usually try to blend into a crowd. Most of the looks are passing glances. A few of the looks (and not nearly few enough, if you ask me), however, make me feel objectified. And no, men are not the only ones who can make a woman feel this way.

Here are three unfavorable ways of looking at people that I’ve noticed throughout the years:

The ogle. This objectifies me by turning me into a sex object. Every girl knows what it’s like to get leered at, catcalled, and honked at. There are many guys who yell (from the safety of their car) at any human being that resembles a female, guys whose eyes can somehow never find a girl’s face, and guys who give that passive stare that someone manages to make a woman feel like she’s suddenly become a well-done steak with legs. Contrary to what many people believe, nothing can protect me from these oglers (baggy clothes, dressing in a masculine way, or having a guy by my side do no good). It’s something that I, like every girl, will continue to endure with as much grace as I can manage. At the present I ignore the oglers, and in the future I will teach my sons that that is no way to treat a woman.

The stare. This objectifies me by turning me into an image. People often stare at me with their mouths open, without even attempting to be surreptitious. Although I don’t consider this offensive, it’s certainly annoying, and demonstrates a lack of good manners. In a TV- and Internet-oriented culture, I think sometimes people forget that I can see you. I’ve decided that when people stare at me, I’m going to stare back. I did it to a guy in the library a few days ago and flustered him greatly. 

The once-over. This objectifies me by reducing me to set of clothes. This look (as far as I’ve experienced it) is unique to women: it consists of an initial glance to show they notice me, immediately followed by a look at my (dirty ragged tennis) shoes and then a quick sweep up my body, followed by a expression of puzzlement, superiority, or vague disgust. This glance says, “I am judging and critiquing you based on the clothes you are wearing.” I suppose some girls are conscious of giving people the once-over, but I believe most are not. They don’t know how strange and, on a bad day, hurtful this glance can be. If you honestly like to see the way people dress, don’t limit yourself to a demeaning glance analysis. 

How do you look at people? And how do people look at you?

~~~

Social Responsibility in the Internet Age

The Internet ruins everything. Before the Internet, I could just stay away from the TV, and take long walks in the forest and pretend that all my food and all my supplies and clothes appeared out of nowhere, and that no bad things happened in the world. Now it screams at me every time I go to check Facebook.

My unfortunate downward spiral often goes something like this: “Oh, I like that Dove ad my sister-in-law posted! Wait, what’s this angry comment down below the video? Huh, what’s Lynx? What do they mean, ‘degrading?’ Let me Google the parent company, ‘Unilever.’ Wait a second… Dove is owned by the same company that puts out those awful Axe ads and promote the sexualization of women while Dove is running an ad telling women not to listen to the degrading advertising? What hypocrites! I… ugh… DARN YOU INTERNET!”

Information is available everywhere, whether you want to hear about the exploitation of workers in the coffee industry or the fair trade coffee industry, or the destruction of the rain forests to get palm oil for our body lotion, or the prevalence of sweat shops in India where clothes are made. All over the place, people shout out solutions: boycott this company, support that company, only buy secondhand, grow your own food, only get union-made supplies. The list goes on and on. My head starts to spin. This company uses ethical United States labor, but has sexually degrading ads. That company promotes positive use of the environment, but exploits its workers. This company claims to be responsible, but how can I trust them? 

That’s when I give up. Most people do. Eventually we assume that there’s always going to be destruction of the rainforests, and slavery and exploitation and sexualization and everything else. Cynicism seeps in. We figure that if we just close our eyes, we won’t be responsible for the evils of the world.

On days like this, though, as the spark of pain reignites in me, I realize that I can’t close my eyes. This is still the world I live in, and although I’ll never even be able to make a dent in the injustice, that doesn’t mean that I shouldn’t do my best to live a responsible life. Of course, knowing what that looks like is almost impossible to tell. It’s useless to run around yelling at everyone who eats Hershey’s cocoa. It’s pointless to try to take the burden on your own shoulders. It’ll drive you insane. 

On the other hand, though, the worst thing you can do is turn a blind eye. Nothing good comes from that— only bad. I encourage you to care, even if you can only tackle one small issue and care about that. Petition for it. Raise awareness. Write companies. Talk to your friends about it. Pray, pray, pray.

The Internet is here, and with it more information than has ever been available to the average person before. Don’t turn away from that source of knowledge, no matter how painful it may be.

~~~

On Perfectionism

My desk at the Hook Spy Agency, with everything in
order, just the way I wanted. If it had been up to me, the
whole world would have been just as organized.

If I had been born into a different family, I’m pretty sure I would have grown up to be OCD. Given the choice, I will sort my m&ms by color, keep the kitchen stove spotless, and straighten the card deck every time a new card is played. As a kid, I wanted everything— what I said, what I did, what everybody else said and did— to be perfect.

This tendency was (metaphorically) beaten out of me throughout my childhood. Mom made me give impromptu speeches in school, even though the uncertainty of unplanned speaking made me break down sobbing. My dad rearranged my entire room, including my carefully-crafted book corner, one afternoon when I was away. My brother Christian focused a good deal of his childhood energy on singing lyrics wrong, just to annoy me. And I always shared a room with my sister, who left her toys lying around even when I wanted a clean floor (and, to be fair, vice versa). 

As a kid, sobbing into my pillow or yelling at my brother, I never could have guessed that those semi-traumatic events would be some of the biggest blessings of my life. I never could have guessed that the constant upsetting of my plans done my way in my time not only curbed my selfishness, but prepared my heart for my greatest adventures.

Perfectionism is dampening, even crippling. With rigid perfectionism you can’t create art (including writing), you can’t be open to new opportunities, and you certainly can’t get in a serious relationship with someone. Perfectionism is self-centered. It makes the world only as big as yourself, your expectations, and your standards. 

A messy life: washing mud off your shoes after an
intense hike in Oregon with your true love.

So I give this challenge to all my perfectionist-tending friends: break free! Start small, with doing something you’re not good at. Solve a math problem. Draw a portrait. Break up a routine that you rely on. Let other people into your life. Let them mess up your plans and your systems. Let them explode your expectations, challenge your ideas, and drive you nuts. Let them capture your heart even though you are absolutely not going to get into a romantic relationship until you come back from Europe because that was the plan you made and you’re not going to let anybody mess it up! Let the illusion of control shatter.

What’s left after that? Freedom. Once you break free of perfectionism, there is creativity, spontaneity, flexibility and compromise. You forget about being self-centered and accomplish the impossible in a messy way. This is essential in art (which can and never will be perfect and takes forever to become even “good”), travel (where an open mind is key to a meaningful experience), and relationships (when you must look honestly at someone’s flaws and love him just the same). 

Although I still battle perfectionist tendencies (and always will, I suspect), I’m grateful for my family, who let me know loud and clear that the universe did not revolve around me and my little expectations— the world is bigger than that. Thank goodness!

~~~

Five Sentences That Make Me Cringe

In order of “cringe factor,” from least to greatest:

5. “I liked them until they became mainstream.”

4. “That painting looks just like a photograph!”

3. “Oh, that was your ice cream in the freezer? …Oops.”

2. “I think that [insert controversial issue here] is wrong… but I guess I’m just old-fashioned.”

1. “Paul Simon was wrong— no man is an island.”

What makes you cringe?

~~~

Heavens, why?!

Small Steps, Carrot Juice, and My Intermittent Annoyance with the Nature of Physicality

Today I succeeded at working myself up into yet another stress-frenzy. I wonder if this is going to happen every other day until I leave for Europe. I hope not. Maybe I should have eaten some protein for breakfast, instead of nuking myself with carrot juice and kale (delicious, healthy, blood-sugar-spiking). Too often, I am prey to the whims of my hormones, the confines of my animal nature, and the existence of my body.

Bodies… who needs 'em?

I know I’m not the only one who feels this way. Many people can’t stand their bodies, can’t stand being trapped in this hunk of meat day after day. I’m not like that most of the time, but when I find that what I have eaten for breakfast is the difference between having a breakdown and not, I get annoyed with my beastliness. Why can’t I just have the will of spirit to overcome the reality of my body?

Mind over matter works to a certain point, but the mind and body have to be somewhat agreeing with each other in order to function properly. Sometimes, I just need to eat some almonds and take a nap. When I wake up, things still look overwhelming, but not paralyzing. And it’s a lot easier to follow good advice when you have a hot meal in your stomach.

The planning continues. One little baby step at a time, it goes on.

~~~

Oh Brother, Lisa's Ranting Again… (but you still might find some helpful advice)

As most of you know, my parents (and, intermittently, brother and sister) have experienced a lot of major health problems over the past two years. In that time, I have gotten to see a variety of ways that friends and family deal with people being in and out of the hospital, in pain, and dealing with mysterious illnesses. Some deal with it well. Others don’t. And so today, to channel some of my pent-up stress (with the situation in general, not actual people), here is an open blog to anyone who has a friend who is sick or in the hospital.

~~~

Dear friend of a person who is sick,

Right now, you’re concerned about your friend, who is dealing with illness and might even be in the hospital. You want to help, but you feel powerless. You might respond in any number of ways, but let me help guide you to some positive ones.

First, here are some things you shouldn’t do:

Don’t ever ever ever offer advice unless you are explicitly asked to do so.

Likewise, don’t ever tell the story of your Uncle Jim’s battle with the same illness that left him braindead until he died. Unless the story ends happily, it will just freak out the patient and his/her family. Even if it does end happily, you still don’t need to share it.

Don’t ask too many questions to the people responsible for the patient. Sure, you’re curious about the patient’s symptoms, when things started going wrong, what pain medicine he/she is on, etc. Grilling the patient and the patient’s family is your way of showing that you care. One word: DON’T. The people taking care of the patient are already stressed to the max and may feel that you are interrogating them. You don’t need to know everything that’s going on.

Don’t criticize someone’s treatment plan. A surgery may seem radical, but that’s not your decision. Also, don’t freak out if someone is trying alternative medicine. Yes, a lot of Eastern medicine does seem like bone-crunching Voodoo, but it’s not. Studies have proven that accupuncture, accupressure, reflexology, chiropractice, etc. are extremely effective. It doesn’t take a witch-doctor to surmise that the things you put in your body— food and drink, which are absorbed and processed, and keep your body running on fuel— affect what your health is like. Don’t be ignorant. Try to understand.

Now, some things to do:

Ask if there’s anything you can do to help, and if the patient says no, leave it at that. Sometimes you can be most helpful by staying out of the way.

Listen, listen, listen, listen. Do not argue, do not judge, do not try to “fix” anything. Just listen.

Send a card or flowers. This is a great way to show that you care that puts no social pressure on the patient or his/her family.

Know your audience. The “positive affirmation” approach does not work for everyone. For instance, when I’ve been sick or I’m stressed, the best thing someone can say to me is, “Wow, that sucks. I can’t imagine what it must be like. I’m praying for you.” 

Cherish, nourish, and appreciate your health. It is a tremendous gift. Your sick friend is a reminder to you not to take health for granted.

Love, Lisa

~~~