Europe: How to Milk a Goat

I’ll bet that every one of you woke up this morning thinking, “I hope the Traveling Mandolin posted that blog about milking goats that she promised! I have wished and dreamed my entire life to learn this art, and finally I have my chance.” Fortunately for you, your dreams have come true. I offer you, in nine easy steps, the goat-milking process.

1. Gather the correct materials. You need a nanny (the billy goats don’t take too kindly to being milked), a couple of pails, a strainer, some cheesecloth, and really good quadriceps muscles (crouching turns my legs to jelly after a while).

2. Wash the pails in boiling water to sterilize them, then take the buckets to the stable.

3. Wrangle your chosen goat into a corner, with her rump against a wall. Crouch down, placing your knee in front of her body in a (futile) attempt to keep her from running away. Place the pail beneath her udder and pray that she’s in a good mood. Hold her collar or horns at first to make sure she stays put.

4. With your forefinger and thumb, press firmly above the nipple of the udder. You can feel the milk pooling under this little tourniquet. Squeeze the rest of your fingers on the nipple in succession, pulling on the udder at the end to get the milk to squirt downward instead of sideways onto your pants.

5. If the goat is calm, put a hand on each side of the udder and alternate milking them. If you get into the rhythm of it, it’s quite meditative. If the goat is not calm, continue milking with one hand and holding with the other.

6. When her nipples run dry, slap her udder hard several times to stimulate more milk flow. At first I was timid about this, but after I saw a baby goat nursing, I realized that my hand could never deliver more damage that a kid slamming his skull into her as hard as he could. Continue milking and slapping under she is dry.

7. Spend some time petting and cuddling the goats. Several of the goats here are quite friendly, visiting me when I’m milking others, or even when I’m milking them, to deliver a nuzzle on the cheek.

8. Carry the milk inside. Take a small circle of cheesecloth and place it inside a strainer. Pour milk from the bucket through the strainer into another bucket to get out the goat hair, straw, and dirt.

9. If you’re brave, the milk is ready to drink. Otherwise, warm it on the stove to sterilize it. You now have delicious, fresh-from-the-goat milk to pour on your muesli, thicken your soups, or turn into delicious camembert cheese!

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