I Like It Here Very Much, Thank You

For the past few months, I’ve joked about being “The Stationary Mandolin,” since I’ve been camping out at home through the autumn and winter. Now, I’m down to the week before my next tentatively-scheduled trip, and I find myself in a familiar place: I don’t want to leave.

To my friends who have nicknamed me “The World Traveler,” the ones who have taken to asking me, “When’s your next trip?” before any other question, this is probably a surprise. You all know how much I love the road, and how antsy I get if I’m away from it for too long. But the truth is, when I come up to the eve of another trip, I feel a massive sense of anxiety.

Perhaps this has been conditioned into me because of the horrible news I always receive right before leaving on a trip. Whether learning that my family had to move, that my best friends had been lying to me, that my Dad had life-threatening blood pressure levels and/or cancer, or that my sister’s health had deteriorated, it seems that my trips are always preceded by news that sends me to bed in tears the night before I leave. Therefore, I always associate the beginning of a trip with sadness and anxiety, with last-minute regrets and declarations that I’m not going, followed by my family all but kicking me out of the house. 

Another factor is that I never feel like I get done everything I want to do while I’m home. I never tried to grow spinach in a window box like I had wanted to this autumn. My homemade yogurt still turns out runny and I don’t have time to perfect the recipe. Whatever happened to that tea party I was going to host? And those half-dozen friends that I haven’t seen in ages that I swore I’d see while I was home? The opportunities slip by, and I find myself puzzled by how I got here, making a list for another trip, dizzied in confusion at where the time has gone.

Of course, usually once I hit the road, I don’t want to come back. No matter where I am, I’m resistant to change. All the traveling in the world hasn’t cured me of that. The important thing is to embrace the change, plow straight into it, and not look back.

~Lisa Shafter