Conversations with My Childhood Self

Me at 14

 Today I wanted to briefly share an exercise that's been really useful for me. It sounds kind of weird at first, but when I tried it, it unlocked a whole bunch of emotions and helped me understand myself much better.

First, I need to give myself time and space, as this exercise can be very emotional.

Next, I notice a time when I had a strong negative reaction. (For instance, I often feel incredibly stressed about appearing intelligent and competent when I meet new people.)

I sit down, close my eyes, and try to remember a time when I felt that same way. I try to find earlier and earlier memories to get to the root of it. (This takes me back to the memory of being a homeschooled kid who might be questioned by strangers at any time to prove that I was smart. I feared that if I appeared less than "smart for my age," my parents would get in trouble.)

I sit with the memory, and feel all the physical and emotional reactions of that memory. (I remember how my mind would blank out when someone would ask me a question to test my knowledge, and how stressed I'd feel even if the person meant it as a joke. I remember the rush of excitement I'd get when I'd make a comment and someone would think I was a public schooler who got good grades, so I could tell them I was homeschooled— making it my personal mission to break stereotypes that I thought people had.)

Then I imagine my present self going to sit beside my childhood self. If I could talk to my childhood self from now, what would I say? How would I encourage her? (In these memories I just want to hold her and tell her that she doesn't need to prove anything to anyone, that her parents are safe, and that it's not her job to be the model homeschooler to evangelize people. She can just be a kid, and doesn't have to prove that she's smart to anyone.)

I stay with my childhood self as long as she needs me to.

Sometimes I do a different version of this exercise, when I'm feeling horrible in the moment. I imagine myself ten years from now speaking to me from the future. What would she say to comfort me? How would she encourage me in this moment?

These exercises are pretty emotionally taxing, but especially as someone who has a hard time accessing the root causes of emotions, I've found them very helpful.

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