Putting on Shoes

An excursion for the solstice

~~~

It's the winter solstice, it's 50 degrees and sunny, and I'm sitting inside scrolling tumblr, I thought, as I sat inside scrolling tumblr and not moving a muscle to do otherwise. 

(No, I don't have a tumblr, but the website has been my guilty pleasure/unhealthy obsession the past couple weeks and I'm still trying to decide whether to fight it.)

I wanted to go outside. I like being outside. I like feeling the sun on my face and I like seeing birds. I wanted to go to the gym (aka the outdoor exercise area at the local park) and I wanted to see the river.

And still I sat.

My brain was giving me all the wrong signals today. It's like the serotonin and the dopamine and the whatever-chemicals-make-you-do-stuff got all jumbled up, and were conspiring to tell me to stay in, stay safe, stay numb and read the tumblr.

After all, why go outside? You'll be by yourself.

You're terribly lonely.

How could I be lonely? I have three phone calls to return and about five texts/emails that I haven't responded to.

I'm so, terribly lonely.

If you go outside, you will be lonely by yourself.

I slammed down my phone. "So don't go outside," I said aloud, to the empty house. To myself.

What?

"Don't go outside. Just put on your shoes. That's all you have to do. Put on your shoes and I'll leave you alone."

I'm suspicious.

"Just do it!"

So I obeyed myself. I put on my shoes. They were dirty from my walk earlier with Zach, and now I was tracking muddy grit all over the house. 

Only one way to fix that.

I grabbed keys and a hat, a coat and my phone. I walked outside.

I walked by myself toward the river.

The neighbor's dog, a pit bull named Whitey, bounded through the dog door to greet me with a friendly woof.

I also found this flower blooming

The sun was warm on my face.

In the forest by the river, a Carolina wren darted through the underbrush. I heard a flicker squawking somewhere, and watched a downy woodpecker bouncing their way along a wild grapevine.

I saw a flock of some sort of white birds rising from a sandbar in the river, wheeling like a single entity. I realized they were pigeons.

I said "hello" to a man in the park who was walking a dog.

On the rocky riverbank, I found a miniature stonehenge and an artistic cairn that someone had built.

I found a plastic bag and began filling it with litter.

I walked to the other park and did sit-ups. I still can't do a chin-up, but each time I can hang from the chin-up bar a little longer before dropping.

I felt strong.

I felt happy.

I walked home and wrote this. I like to write. I like to walk. I like to be in the sunshine.

Sometimes I just have to put on my shoes.

~~~