When I was a kid, I felt like I needed an invisible friend. I didn’t actually want an invisible friend— my sister Mary was around all the time, and my brothers were usually up for some sort of game— but it seemed like all the kids in books and movies had invisible friends, and I’d met other kids who had invisible friends, so having an invisible friend just felt like some sort of societal obligation at that point.
The invisible friend phase lasted exactly half an afternoon. It felt weird to have one, and I didn’t enjoy it, so I went back to playing with Mary and my brothers and my stuffed animals, which I actually did enjoy.
Fortunately I was sensible enough as a child to realize when a perceived “societal norm” wasn’t serving me and discard it, but that becomes harder as you enter into teenage and young adult years, and over the decades I’ve found myself learning how to let go of what “should be” to embrace what “is.”
Any minimalist blog will rattle off the ways that people try to “Keep up with the Joneses:” bigger houses, flashier cars, nicer schools. None of that has ever appealed to me, but this doesn’t mean that I’m immune from cultural expectations. Here are some ways that I’ve learned to be more authentic and embrace what is rather than what “should” be. I’ve given up...
Cool “hippie” clothing. I adore long flowing skirts, long hair, flower crowns, vintage jackets, large pieces of Southwestern-inspired jewelry, and beautiful boots— but I do not adore wearing them. Long skirts flap uncomfortably when I speed-walk, long hair on my face sends me into a frustrated rage, necklaces are too hot in the summer and too in danger of me forgetting them and snapping them off in the winter, and really awesome comfortable vintage pieces always cost more than I’m ever willing to afford. So I wear tennis shoes, shorts or leggings, t-shirt dresses, and whatever long-sleeved shirts actually fit my arms, indicating that I may not have fashion sense, but at least I’m comfortable.
Buying books. I have a book bag that quotes Erasmus: “When I get a little money, I buy books, and if any is left, I buy food and clothes,” and I’ve always felt hypocritical for carrying it because I would always rather spend money on food. Still, throughout my teenaged years I dutifully bought books at the local Border’s, because that’s what smart people do! Smart people own every book they’ve ever read, will read, or won’t read but feel like they should! Suggesting otherwise is pure blasphemy! And yet, when people ask me how I afford organic food or road trips, part of the answer is, “Because I don’t spend money on books.” Although I will occasionally buy a book that I feel is useful to own for reference, I rely on the library for everything else. You can’t borrow food or travel from a library, but you can borrow books.
Houseplants. I want so badly to love houseplants. I follow houseplant Instagrams and drool over those bead plants hanging in the airy white bathrooms. So chic! So gorgeous! And yet… my house doesn't have a whole lot of natural light, and my houseplants were always languishing. I felt stressed trying to keep up with watering them, and trying to avoid them from cluttering up my precious few flat spaces. I don't know why they stress me out, they just do. So I gave almost all of them away, and rely on foraged bouquets (flowers in the summer, cedar branches in the winter) to bring nature indoors.
Since giving up these things, I've been a lot happier, and had more money to boot! It's just a reminder that keeping up with the Joneses can look different for everyone, and you need to analyze for yourself what makes you happy and what doesn't.
Where have you found yourself trying to keep up with the Joneses? What did you let go of that created space for what you really wanted?
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