Loosening Up, Or Selling Out?

 Existential questions of mac n' cheese

A few days ago, as I was throwing away the foil-lined packet from a box of mac n' cheese, I was reflecting on purism.

Mac n' cheese (the super processed stuff from a box) is one of my favorite foods, but for many years, I'd felt a bit anxious or guilty about eating it. First because it wasn't "real food," and later because it wasn't "zero waste." Both of these standards ruled my life at one time, holding a Perfect Imaginary Me alongside the real one: a person who avoided those awful unhealthy "chemicals" by making everything from scratch; a person who made everything from scratch to avoid packaging that would end up in a garbage can and thus singlehandedly destroy the planet.

I'm still haunted by this Imaginary Me all the time, whether with mac n' cheese or with larger issues such as how I spend my time and what I devote energy to. I'm haunted because my question is always, "Have I loosened up in a healthy way, or have I just sold out?"

(Actually, the question is usually worded this way in my head, thanks to watching Naruto: Shippuden.)

As with all binaries, this question is inherently reductive, but that doesn't keep it from bothering me. 

On my personal Facebook page, I asked people to share the answers to two questions: "Is there something that you used to be really strict/purist about, but have since loosened up about?" and "Is there anything that you used to be pretty relaxed/careless about, that you're now more strict/purist about?"

The answers were very interesting, as people shared about loosening up about grammar, eating, swearing, housework, and theology, and becoming more strict about exercise and self-care. 

As usual, listening to other people's thoughts gave me a lens for organizing my own ideas. I realized that all in all, I have significantly loosened up on many things— not only "real food" and "zero waste" (both of which don't exist anyway), but theology and life philosophy in general. But I've also become much more strict when it comes to my personal boundaries: who I confide in, who I engage with on social media, when and how I return phone calls, how much news I consume, and what activities I'll commit to. The balance of loosening up in some areas and being stricter in others has all had an underlying motivation: seeking to become true to myself in all areas.

To live from a sense of inner conviction instead of outer performance is very difficult, especially for a ham like myself. I want to convince myself that I'm doing the right things in order to earn my own self-respect— instead of assuming that respect and guiding my life by the principles that are important to me. I'm a rule-follower by nature; I crave certainty. I want to earn my virtue. I want to judge myself against a clear set of standards and hear that I'm doing well.

It's much harder to embrace the not-knowingness of an inner compass, to shed the rules and trust that things will work out anyway, and to use judgement to seek out the best way forward at any given moment. 

But I feel that living in that uncertainty is the only way to keep from "selling out" to external rules. What I truly want is not to figure out the "perfect foods," but to have a healthy relationship to the gift of food. I don't want "zero waste" perfection: I want to live in service to the earth. Both of these principles are much more nebulous than "avoid ingredients you can't pronounce" and "put your trash in a mason jar," and that's scary! But it's also freeing. It's an invitation to stop striving and to start living. 

The path isn't always clear, but my compass is getting better. For now, that's all I need.

~~~