Depression

Depression is an odd thing, especially if it’s not something you deal with every day. Unlike many people I know, depression is only an occasional visitor to my life, showing up at random every year or couple of years. It opens my cupboards, makes itself a snack, and follows me around for a while. 

Sometimes I forget it’s there, until I realize that I’ve been lying on the bed staring at the wall and thinking about nothing for a solid hour. I need to get up, drink a glass of water, do some dishes. I still lie there. Everything feels too hard. Am I coming down with a cold? Should I eat more vegetables? Cut down my sugar intake? I just need some water. But getting up feels like too much work. Zach won’t be home for five and a half hours. What is there to do during that time that I can actually do? Why yes, I do have seven papers to edit and a load of laundry to run and I need to start thinking about what to make for dinner. But lying on the bed is so much easier. Scrolling through Facebook is so much easier. Eating a snack is so much easier. 

Inevitably, I start moving. I get myself that glass of water. I take a shower. I turn on loud music. I wash the dishes, and that gives me the momentum to get dinner started, and that gives me the momentum to slog through some papers and try to get my students to think and ponder and unleash their creativity. Sometimes I hang the laundry to dry and let the chickens run around my feet, and this sparks a conversation with a neighbor whose four-year-old granddaughter is excited about petting Pirate Buffy. Sometimes I write a blog post and wonder if it will make me feel better.

Inevitably, the day gets done, and the deadline gets done, and I feel a sense of relief. I wonder when I’ll feel normal again, because I know that I will, I just have to wait it out. In the meantime, I go through the rhythms of my day with the knowledge that they mean something, that they are important, whether or not I feel it at the moment. 

At night when it’s clear, I watch Orion is the sky and marvel at how bright the winter stars appear.

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